Welcome To The Page Of Del's Random Funny Shit

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night'. After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her
a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call
we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the
stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled
'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I
were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any
surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to
the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The
checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX SUPERSIZE'. But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?'


1st Place
And the winner is . . . This happened at a major Irish University, during a
biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The
professor responded, 'Yes, that's correct', adding some statistical data to
his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it
taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had
inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as she was heading for thedoor, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.'

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat....
'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.